My Player Days

(True or false, you decide)

My Uncle Morty was a player. He had a reputation, as they say, for having a certain way with the ladies. I don’t recall ever seeing him with the same companion more than once. Once when I was a boy he gave me this advice on women.

“Dear nephew, here is a line that is guaranteed to succeed with the fair sex. As soon as you can after you first meet a lady whom you fancy, say this, ‘I am so moved by you, in every way, I must speak candidly or I will never forgive myself if I don’t. You, dear lady, are the kind of woman with whom I would share myself wholeheartedly and completely, and before whom I would unhesitatingly lay my soul bare.’ “

He never said much of anything else. Except for things like “How’s it going kid?” or “That’ a boy!” or “Go get ‘em tiger!”

Well, Uncle Morty, here’s my report.

In my early days I was shy with the girls. Somehow I had it that showing a sign of interest was revealing too much. Somehow, not manly. But, eventually I did try out the line with some very interesting, if mixed, results.

Now, I knew even when he gave me that line that it was insincere to the core. However, it took me a long while to understand the true facts of life. The opposite sex was thoroughly on to the deception, but they also much more innately knew that it was all a play in the first place; and that the rewards went to the best player. Showing your stuff apparently was what the ladies like you to do. If I knew then what I know now . . . I probably wouldn’t be around right now to be writing this little recollection.

I like intelligent women. But, among those, some are more ruled by the head and others more by the heart. I’ve had many interesting experiences with that line. A few slapped faces and more than a few instantaneous meltings in my arms. Two, however, were the most memorable, the nadir and the zenith of my experience with women.

My first attempt with Morty’s sure-fire opener was with a cheerleader from the other school at an after game party in high school. “I am so moved by you, in every way, I must speak candidly or I will never forgive myself if I don’t. You, dear lady, are the kind of woman with whom I would share myself wholeheartedly and completely, and before whom I would unhesitatingly lay my soul bare.“ As she chewed her gum and drank her smuggled in bottle of beer, she said to me, “Well, that’s really nice. So what’ya have to say for yourself.”

Then, in college at a friend’s parents’ party I met a beautiful unattached woman of a certain age. A Mrs. Robinson type, and dressed for (sexual) success. “I am so moved by you, in every way, I must speak candidly or I will never forgive myself if I don’t. You, dear lady, are the kind of woman with whom I would share myself wholeheartedly and completely, and before whom I would unhesitatingly lay my soul bare.“ And, this time, “Well, that’s nice. You sweet thing! I would give myself freely to a man who speaks to me like that. Your Venus has risin. So, what’ya say we go upstairs where we can be alone and I can watch you take off your clothes. And we can explore each other’s ‘souls'.”

“Well, that’s nice”? Is that some kind of female equivalent?

Somewhere in between those two I found the woman of my dreams. And, it is nice.